As a playing companion was addressing a 30-foot double-break putt for bogey, another member of the foursome committed the most unforgivable sin of golf … making an unintentional sound, barely audible to the human ear, right during the stroke of the club.
Almost immediately, seemingly even before the putter’s contact with the ball was completed, the player who was in the act of putting burst out an obscenity and glared at the infracting player. “Don’t you have any #%*# etiquette?”
Golfers are a strange group of people. We take full credit for any great shot (even those that deflect of objects such as sprinkler heads, trees, side hills, etc.,) that ends up on the green. Yet we look for blame on any shot that for whatever reason didn’t captivate of full attention. The jingle of loose change, a slight cough, clanking of clubs or sound of a golf cart during one’s backstroke has a tendency of registering on one’s inner ear at the same decimal level as standing next to the amplifiers during a heavy metal concert.
I’ve been with golfers that have actually picked up normal conversations from golfers three fairways over. It’s like our ears are like fine-tuned directional hearing devices used by the CIA.
Yet for some of use, we’re always hearing noise, or perhaps voices, while playing golf. And it’s not like there’s just one voice out there … it’s like we have a committee of voices offer swing keys, grip suggestions and other worthless information just mega-moments before the club face strikes the ball.
Somewhat curious about this phenomena, I decided to implant a recording device to see exactly what’ going on in my inner ear just before contact. Starting the recording just as I addressed the ball on the tee box and running it for a total time of 3.7 seconds when I finally completed my swing, here is all the information that was processed. (Although there were multiple voices, I couldn’t distinguish which voice said what.)
“Relax your grip and breathe out.”
“The wind’s picking up, swing level and drive the ball low.”
“Hey, is that water on the right? You don’t want to go right. Hood you club a little on impact.”
“Your grip’s too tight, relax your shoulder’s a bit.”
“You’re two strokes down, pop a big one here and we can get right back in the middle of this match.”
“I hope the wind doesn’t pick up. It’s been a pretty good day so far.”
“Don’t forget to get a tee time for this weekend.”
“Breathe in … stay focused on your shot.”
“There’s something grumbling down in the lower stomach area. Next time don’t stop at the Taco Shop before the round.”
“I’m not sure this golf shirt is my color.”
“Start your back swing. Keep your right leg still.”
“Is there OB on the left? You certainly don’t want to pull the ball if there’s OB left.”
“How’s the grip. Is the club starting to slip through your hands.”
“Here comes that taco again. Wow, wonder what they put in the guacamole?”
“Was that staff meeting today or tomorrow?”
“Could Geico really save me on my auto insurance?”
“Keep your left leg straight … and don’t forget to breathe.”
“Nice and easy, you don’t need to crush this.”
“But it would be nice to bust one … so make sure you put some weight behind it.”
“Don’t shift your weight too soon.”
“Are you sure the driver is the right club … that is a pretty narrow fairway.”
“What leg were you suppose to put your weight on?”
“Where’s that beer cart?”
“It’s probably not wise to be using a new Pro V1 on a hole with water.”
“Relax your shoulders.”
“Swing easy.”
“Bust it.”
“Geico.”
“Breathe.”
It’s amazing how much can go through your head in less time than it takes to swing a golf club. And the fact that similar conversations take place on an average of 85 times a round is also quite amazing.
And when it’s all said and done, the best thing is that for each time that a shot didn’t quite work out like you would have wanted it, there’s likely some poor schmuck in your foursome who inadvertently made a slight sound somewhere during the process.
“For heck sakes, don’t you have any golf etiquette?”